Otherwise...

Let's catch up.

In early August, I was lucky enough to be in my friend's beautiful wedding in the Boston area!

There was actually some awesome running, and my first geocaching experience during one of our runs on Cape Cod (during the bachelorette weekend) as well!

And then in between returning from that trip and starting work, I was...

1. Running another double 10k+5k race!

(Halftime selfie)

I got a PR of 1:28:15 for the full race, doing the 10k portion in 58:40, and the 5k portion in 29:35!



2. Hanging out in Carmel with A...

Before heading to Laguna Seca to see some old cars n' stuff...

And kind of accidentally crashing a fancy car event and getting free stuff. Sweet.

I've also been:

- Watching Dexter on Netflix and then having dreams about serial killers
- Fantasy Footballing (it is NOT so hot for my team thus far)
- Regular footballing! Go niners!
- Finding a bunch of bangin' new crockpot recipes on Pinterest (and cooking said recipes)
- Trying some sugar-free desserts, like frozen banana and peanut butter "fro yo," and these
- Prepping for my next half marathon in October, and considering some 5k and 10k races for later on this fall!
- Moving! Forgot to mention the moving. I'm moving into a bigger apartment to share with a friend, and saving a little $$ in the process.
- Singin' in my choir
- Hanging out with the kiddos at work


Yeah, so lots of good things. Many things that I'm thankful for :)

Detox

I think I've been clear this whole time that I, in no way, have all the answers. Sure, I was able to lose weight and have kept it off for nearly a year (!) now. That is definitely a success in and of itself. However, that time has also, as I've mentioned, not been without its ups and downs. There have been breakdowns, tears, crazy out of control sugar binges... and moments of peace, days of clarity, and so, so many good things, good thoughts, good foods, and good people (see my next entry!).

So after a whole summer of ups and downs, goods and bads, I hit another road block, so to speak. I found myself completely out of control with sugar, snacking, and food issues in general the weekend before I went back to work to start the school year. In seeing my therapist and talking about everything, she told me something I didn't think that she'd say: why don't you try no more sugar.

Somehow, she said that, and I realized that it was exactly the conclusion I had wanted to draw for myself, I just wasn't able to come to it on my own.

The only time I've really been at peace - completely - with food, and felt really good about what I was eating, was the week or so that I completely cut out sugar, and the subsequent period of time before it came into my life again in a big way. It was easy for me to maintain my weight and sense when I was hungry and full.



This is because I am addicted to sugar.



This is something that might seem extremely personal, kind of embarrassing, and even shameful, but I doubt that I am the only one who deals with these issues, so I feel the need to put it out there and explain.

I am not eating sugar now because I am addicted to it.

I can not eat a little bit of candy. When I eat candy, all I want is more candy. My brain is so conditioned to keep wanting more and more, and what I have to go through to make myself stop eating it makes it not worth it.

When I'm in this "binge" mode, it's like I'm in a daze. I will often buy one or two sugary, sweet foods at the store, like a bag of jelly beans, m&ms, sour candies, or cookies. I'll also buy bags of chex mix, cheetos, or chips to balance it out. I will often spend 15 minutes in a snack aisle, contemplating what combination to buy, justifying the purchases in my head - maybe I'll just have half the jelly beans! Or, Chex Mix is much healthier than chips!

I mean, it's a cocktail of salty, sweet, processed junk.

I feel like a binge is just like a drug binge. I'll alternate the candy and the sweet food, and when I'm done, I crave more. I will attempt to make myself some sort of bingey food out of whatever is in my cabinets, even though I don't keep most of those dangerous things at my house. I'll manage to make macaroni and cheese out of whole wheat pasta, or will scavenge together ingredients for cookies. I'll go out and get more in the most frantic times.

I always seek more and more food when this happens because I'm addicted. My brain apparently gets that release of dopamine from the initial sugar that I consume, and then needs greater and greater amounts of these foods to continue getting that "rush."

Apparently, cocaine does the same thing.




So, there are the sordid details. This has been happening for awhile, although for periods of my life, I ate this junk all the time - ice cream, chips, cookies. I couldn't even address the weight, I just wanted the food. But since losing weight and trying to find peace with food, every time I break down and binge, it's that much more upsetting.

That is why I'm not eating sugar anymore.

It's not just sugar - it's the artificial sugar that was driving my cravings along for such a long time, and it's those processed snack foods that often will also trigger a binge. I'll have a little, then - fuck it, might as well!




And yes, I know sugar is in everything, and that white flour pretty much turns to sugar once you consume it. So my plan is to avoid sugar that is added to food as much as I can - but not to the point of deprivation.

Will I be upset if there's a trace amount of sugar in the tomato sauce or marinade I eat? Nah. I'm not going to binge on tomato sauce.

And I know fruit has (naturally occurring) sugar, but am I going to binge on mango or grapes? Nope nope nope.

Even white bread - bagels, pizza, delicious sourdough. Those aren't things that I eat often, but I don't want to deprive myself of those things if I want them. None of those things makes me feel out of control, and none of those things triggers me. I don't see why I should deprive myself if I can have those as occasional treats and enjoy them in moderation.




Candy I don't do in moderation. Or chex mix, cheetos, lemon bars, brownies, baked chips, or ice cream. At least for now. My plan is to avoid it for the time being, for probably 3-4 months, and then work with my therapist to re-assess. I've found myself at peace with the fact that I may never eat these things again. Maybe not never again, definitely for a good while.



So that is me - I am a sugar addict. Sugar makes me feel out of control. I don't need it. It makes me sick and unhappy. And for the longest time, it's been just this love/hate relationship... but I think I'm falling out of love.



(Post-Script: I have been reading The Hunger Fix by Pam Peeke, and it's very good so far. She talks a lot about overcoming food addiction. If you think this is a problem for you, or I guess if it's not, either, I do recommend it!)

The First Half of the SF Marathon

It's here, it's here! The long-awaited San Francisco Marathon - which actually consists of five events: the full marathon, the first and second half marathons, the 5k, and if you're a little (a lot) masochistic or something, the 52.4, which yes, is the marathon course twice over, starting at midnight the night before.

This year for me, it's the first half! As I've done in a couple other races, I knew the first half would give me the opportunity to run across the iconic Golden Gate Bridge once again, and consist of some pretty scenery along the water. Hopefully next year, I'll be running the second half through Golden Gate Park and the Haight, and will get that "Half It All" Challenge medal!

The weekend started out with my usual 20-minute shake out run around my neighborhood, after which I headed in to the city to hit up the race expo. Two of my high school besties came with me after we had brunch, which was awesome! The Expo was at Fort Mason, and as expected, incredibly crowded. The way it was set up, you had to make your way through the vendors in order to get to the bib pickup. I was not a huge fan of this (it was crowded!) but at least I got some good snack samples, and bib pickup was super easy.

Outside the expo at Fort Mason! I was too overwhelmed inside to take pictures!


My mom was nice enough to come up to the city to cheer me on - she and I got dinner, then scoped out a meeting point in Golden Gate Park, near the finish line for the First Half. She also helped me pick out an outfit - orange top and grey/black pants, Giants colors!

Getting up the following morning was not so much fun. Blerg. Since my wave started precisely at 6:02, and with traffic, it could take 20 minutes to get me within walking distance of the starting line, we were out of bed and in the car by 5. At least it was pretty when I got to the Ferry Building!

Unlike some other races I've done, the bag check and port-o-potty lines were pretty quick, and I got to the starting line 5-10 minutes before they called my wave up. It took a few minutes to walk to the start from where we were lined up, so I actually ended up crossing more around 6:05.

First runners leaving around 5:30

Pre-race selfie!



The way the course was designed, the first four miles were flat (with a little uphill around Fort Mason), then up and down the rest of the way. Since it is a half of the full marathon, where the hilly section is toward the middle, and the course flattens out in the end, OUR end of the course was a bit hilly.



I felt good going along the first few miles. I started out fast, checked my pace on my watch, then slowed down a bit to pace myself. My split at 2 miles was a comfortable 10:04/mile pace. It was nice and cool and foggy around the Marina and Crissy Field with awesome views of the GGB, and it even rained on us a little! Lowlight: a bird pooping directly between me and this other woman. Like white stuff plopping from the sky right between us. At least we had a good laugh! Highlight: running by Boudin in Fisherman's Wharf and smelling the sourdough baking. YUM.

Miles 5-10 were more or less getting to (then over and back) the Golden Gate Bridge. The first hill through the Presidio up to the GGB was pretty awful, but at the base of the bridge, some spectators were there giving high fives, which distracted me from my pain for awhile! The bridge is kind of a gradual slope (uphill then downhill), and we got to turn around at the Vista Point on the other end of the bridge. Sadly, it was a foggy morning, not the best for views of the city, but I was grateful it wasn't too sunny and warm. Lowlight: More people taking race selfies while crossing the GGB, and seeing a woman totally trip and eat it going back across the Golden Gate the opposite direction of me. Highlight: I found some "friends" (people going the same pace as me) that I ran behind the whole way across and back on the Golden Gate Bridge - following them distracted me from my pain! And it was nice to be almost at Mile 10 already when getting off the bridge!

Miles 10-13 were definitely the hardest. After getting off the bridge, there was a pretty steep climb with a water stop almost at the top, which was enough to break my momentum, so it was tough to get back going after that. Next was a steep downhill, and then a mix of gradual and not so gradual climbs up to Golden Gate Park. The constant uphills definitely took a lot out of me, and by the time I got to Golden Gate Park (uphill going into the park), my thighs were screaming and it took a lot out of me to push myself a little faster. I heard some people commenting around me that they were cramping up - and understandably so! The last quarter mile or so was - thankfully - downhill to the finish. My mom saw me and jumped on to the road to cheer me on, and I finally made it!

The finish line!

Beautiful Stow Lake at Golden Gate Park! The full marathon and second half runners go all the way around the lake.



Overall, I was able to set a half marathon PR, which is awesome! I realized I've been able to improve my time by over 10 minutes in a year!

Time: 2:13:26
Pace: 10:10/mile
Place: 2559/7250 (1009/4052 women, 383/1233 in my age group)

Done!!


I guess my Garmin watch thinks I went a little faster than I actually did today, but I got a bunch of PRs on Strava too, which is cool! Best 15k, 10 mile, 20k, and half marathon times!

Basically, I loved the course, and it was my favorite of the SF races that I've done so far. I know that I want to do the second half of the course next year, and I'm definitely still considering doing the full marathon in 2016. I would definitely need to train hard, do a lot of hill training, and try to pace myself, but I think it's possible!

Onwards and upwards - next comes the Nike Women's Half Marathon in October, and after that, no half marathons for a while. I want to avoid burnout and start fresh when the next one comes :)

Oh, the Places You'll Go (and the Food You'll Eat)...

The past 6 months have been full of travels... and the next few months will continue to be full of travels! I'm a lucky girl.

However, for some reason, these travels continue to throw me off my game in terms of my diet. And I know sort of why, but not completely.

I know one reason is that I'm not in control of my food. I don't always control when I eat, or where. I might get hungry and other people might not be!

Another reason is that when I go away, I make excuses to eat junk. At my 5 year college reunion, we had a brunch, and because it was unlimited food, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch is amazing, I had like, 3 bowls of it. I mean, a little would have been okay - I don't usually eat that... but I didn't just stop at a little. And I don't stop at a little when I start eating junk. It ends up being a multi-day free for all! And the last time, that free for all didn't stop when my vacation ended, it lasted almost the entire next week.

So, I am trying to figure out how to not let it happen this weekend.

I am SO excited to get away to Wyoming for the very first time! We're off to visit A's relatives and grandparents, who live there. I have no idea what else we're doing, but I've heard it's completely beautiful.

Now, since I don't know what is planned (since A is a boy and boys never tend to know these things...), I know I can't plan out every minute of my food. But, I've taken this head on in a few ways:

1. Writing this post
2. Telling A about my struggles with traveling - knowing all my flights are with him eases my mind a bit, since when left to my own devices, I always want some damn candy and chex mix on the airplane
3. Accepting the fact that although I will NOT have complete control over my food, I will still have the opportunity to make choices about what I want to eat wherever we go
4. Allowing myself to indulge a bit, but selectively. I know some foods are not worth it for me, and not every opportunity to eat out needs to be an indulgence.
5. Knowing that it's taken over two weeks to start to get back around my typical weight range after gaining a couple lbs during/after my LAST vacation is inspiring me to NOT do it again!


So, I'm hoping this little weekend getaway will not be a problem, or trigger me to eat foods that are not good to my body. A little bit of a treat is fine - but not the whole time, and not afterwards. We'll see how it goes - wish me luck!

xoxo

Consciousness

This is my new buzzword of the moment. Consciousness.

Not like, losing consciousness. Like, being conscious of what foods I'm putting in my mouth. Or lack of this aforementioned consciousness about foods.

I've never considered myself a mindless eater... like someone who will sit down in front of the TV with a bag of potato chips, and minutes later, find that bag empty. Nope, not me - I don't have those potato chips in my house, and when I do buy them, it's with intention of eating unhealthy snack foods rather than sticking to the foods that make me feel awesome and healthy. I never considered my eating particularly mindless... or un-conscious, if you will.

Then again, I think about when I'm totally off-track with my eating, and not taking care of my body. When I'm eating Cheetos, or bags full of candy, or a second bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, do I WANT to really think about what I'm doing? If this action was completely conscious, and I was paying complete attention to my eating crap that makes me feel terrible (mentally and physically), would I still do it?

Doubtful.

This is why having a therapist is good. You can think what you want on your own, and believe that you know everything about what sets you off, why you do the things you do, and what kinds of things you need. When you get that outsider's perspective, though, it's possible for that person to mention something so simple, something that you KNOW, somewhere, but it can still be incredibly helpful, and something you would not likely have come to on your own.

My therapist told me one of her hard and fast rules about food is to always have your butt on a chair when you eat. (And that chair can not be a seat in your car, for what it's worth.) It seems like something very simple, that may not be a drastic change, but what kinds of behaviors could it eliminate?


1. Standing in front of your boyfriend's fridge eating cheesecake out of the box because you are really hungry. (Ahem.)
2. Nibbling on everything you touch during dinner prep when you're hungry... then not actually being hungry when you sit down to eat dinner.
3. Shoveling that extra cookie or appetizer off a plate at a party into your mouth without considering whether you're hungry or not.

Et cetera, et cetera.


So I'm trying this whole "sit on my butt" to eat thing.

If I want that cheesecake from A's fridge, I can take a slice, put it on a plate, and sit down to eat it. In fact, this whole process might make me rethink this choice, and instead, save that slice until after I eat something more nutritious if I'm really hungry. And last night, even though I was starving post-run, I was able to savor my food so much more when I was sitting down with my full meal in front of me, not having eaten half of it while prepping in my kitchen.

Most importantly, for me, it's that "Would I eat that if I had to make a conscious decision about eating it, rather than just grabbing it and eating it without really thinking too hard?"

It's something to keep at, for sure. And maybe, at some point, I'll even turn off the TV while I eat. But first things first.

Consciousness.

Ommmmmm.

(.gif from Women's Health)

Sharks Fitness Faceoff 10k

I was very excited to do another 10k race today, this one presented by the San Jose Sharks Foundation. The cool thing about this event, in its second year, is that there are many different options, including 5k and 10k runs, 20 and 50 mile bike rides, and a kids' run. Since I am a runner and A is a cyclist, this was a great opportunity to FINALLY do some sort of race thing together! (Sort of.)

Although a bit sleepy from getting home on the later side last night, A and I managed to leave the house around 6:15 in order to get to the SAP Center, where the Sharks play, for Andrew's 6:45 start time. It was cool to get there so early, since it was just the 50-mile cyclists hanging around by the start, and was largely empty. San Jose "Sharkie," the Sharks mascot, was hanging around.

As the cyclists were off on their way, I realized I had an hour and then some before my 8:00am start time. So I took a trip to the port-o-potties before there was a giant line, and then went back to the car to read, sunscreen up, and generally get ready.

I was lucky to see my cousins, one of whom works for the SJ Sharks, and aunt and uncle, who were all doing the 10k race as well. Mini family reunion!

Time actually passed very quickly as the area behind the starting line began to fill up. I left my family and pushed up towards the front a bit, but still found that it was a bit crowded with people going all paces in every location. Many people were walking through the start, which was a little annoying as I wanted to start off quickly.

I got going pretty quickly, and found I was able to maintain my pace through mile 3 or 4. Miles 4 and 5 still felt good, just a bit slower, as my legs got tired. However, I saw on my watch that I was still maintaining a 9:15-9:20 pace on average, though, which was above my time goal.

As I neared the finish line, I was excited to get a time goal above my Turkey Trot 10k time from last year, which was 58:57. However, when I passed the finish line around 8:57, I realized my Garmin only said I had run 6.06 miles. I feel like people were cutting corners where the course was not particularly well designed... oops. So I jogged around to cool down a bit past the finish to get a 10k read on my watch.

However, even with the extra time on my watch, I still had a 10k PR! My watch time of 6.2 miles was 57:46... still >1min PR!

By myself and with my cousins. My cousins both ran awesome races - 59 minutes and 1 hr 12 minutes!


Here are my official results:

Time: 56:17
Pace: 9:04/mile
Place: 202/849 finishers, 23rd in age group and 74th female finisher


I'm really proud of my time and had an amazing race that went by very quickly. My speed work that I've been doing seems to have been paying off!



A finished very soon after I passed through the post-race expo for snacks and free stuff. The medals they gave us were awesome - even bigger than many of the half marathon medals I had received! A was not pleased that they had not marked the course well, so he and two other guys got lost on the way to the finish. However, he still came in 4th (would have been 3rd) of ALL the guys doing the 50-mile bike ride.

My boyfriend is a stud, basically.


Post-race (first joint race!) selfie:

Overall, although there were still some kinks to be worked out in this new-ish event, it was so much fun to have both cycling and running events - and sponsored by one of my favorite sports teams (and for a good cause).


Next up - SF Half Marathon 7/27! I'm actually really looking forward to it after getting back in the running groove. Can't wait!

I'm in!

Woohoo!!!

I entered in the lottery to run the Nike Women's Half Marathon in SF in October after a woman I work with asked me if I had planned on it. At first, I thought I probably would not, since it's super expensive, and I was feeling somewhat burned out on longer distance. I wanted to focus on shorter distance running, speed work, and more cross-training in the Fall.

But then, I remembered that Nike Women's races are a total experience, and I imagine it's a great community of women who run. I also remembered the firefighters that give you Tiffany's necklaces for finishing...

(Photo credit from 'Ama Runs blog - she wrote an awesome post about the 2013 Nike Women's in DC!)


So, I entered. If it was meant to be, it would be.

And today I got my e-mail! Woohoo!!!


I think, actually, as I think about it more and more (and read annoyed Facebook posts on the Nike Women's page from the ladies whose entries were not selected...), I realize how awesome of an experience this is going to be. And I think it's just what I need to keep me going!

Last week especially, I was feeling really burned out on running, feeling like I was doing it because I had to, not because I wanted to. Not a good feeling. But, as I am coming off of a better week, including a great 10-mile run last weekend, and heading into a fun weekend including a San Jose Sharks 10k race, I realize that there are going to be ups and downs. There will be weeks where I just don't want to, and that will be okay. I don't ever have to!

And because I don't want to burn out, after the Nike Women's, I'm going to take a little break from October through the Spring of 2015, and do what I said - run some shorter races perhaps, cross-train, and run when I feel like it. When I run for the sake of running and feeling good, not as part of training, I just feel so much better about it.


But first?

(via photopin.com)

With a pretty necklace. Ohhhh yeah.

(Okay, maybe not shirtless. But still.)