"First of all, my therapist brought up a few things about me, and my relationship with food. Basically, when it comes down to it, I've never felt like I was able to trust myself with food. I was always in some pattern of restricting what I ate and then bingeing and feeling like a failure, or I've been on a diet that told me what I should eat. Lately, with Weight Watchers, and tracking what I've been eating, I've felt like I was having to restrict what I eat (without realizing it), and then I'd give myself "passes" on certain days, like my birthday, to eat whatever I wanted, and I'd go way overboard, as if those foods that I felt like I could eat only on those "free pass" days would not ever exist again. So, I've been trying to figure out how to trust myself with food, and have a normal relationship with food (which I've pretty much never had).
So I cancelled my Weight Watchers account.
I started reading a book called "Intuitive Eating," by Evelyn Trebole, where the premise is basically, you need to stop dieting and give yourself unconditional permission to eat. You are allowed to eat any food you want. It says when you have permission to eat anything you want, your body will figure out what it needs. However, it states there will be a period in which you will probably gain weight while you figure out what your body needs, and you give yourself this permission to eat. It states you need to let go of any weight loss or diet ideals, as this can cause you to restrict food. When you accept eating for health and when you become in tune with your body's hunger signals, you can trust yourself with food and know what you need to eat.
I think there are a lot of good principles there, but my problem was that I just can't let go of the "weight loss" or at least weight maintenance mentality. I was trying to use Intuitive Eating last week, and giving myself permission to eat more chocolate than usual, more sweets, more things that were not good for me, telling myself I needed to learn to trust myself around these foods... and then I saw something I didn't like on the scale when I weighed myself the other day. Now, I understand that my body's set weight might be a little higher or lower than it is right now, but I just can not let go of all the work I've done to lose weight. I feel so much healthier at my current weight, I have so much more energy. But I still want to get rid of this awful "diet or binge," "all or nothing" mentality I've always had with food.
So, I've decided to trust myself on my journey with food. Once I stopped tracking everything on Weight Watchers, I felt free. Like, why wouldn't I put walnuts on my oatmeal in the morning? They are full of good fats, and I think they are delicious in oatmeal. But l used to avoid them because they were too many "points." I also used to have a ton of crap like fat free cool whip around. I don't even like fat free cool whip, I'd just eat it because it was 0 points on WW for a few bites. It was a filler but I didn't feel satisfied after I ate it. And who says I can't have wine and dessert? I would never let myself do that "on plan," but now, since I've stopped restricting or dieting, I've realized that I enjoy a glass of red wine a few nights a week. And that makes me feel happy and satisfied.
But I still want to be healthy. I don't want to keep jelly beans, chips, and other things like that in my house, since I know that these cause me too much anxiety to be worth having around. I feel like these items are addicting, and they do nothing towards me finding my health and peace with food. I need to learn to feel when my body is truly hungry, and really feel what it needs. But, I find that if I have too many choices of what my body needs, I get anxious. I will always choose "candy" and "simple carbs" as what my body needs. They are addictive and momentarily satisfying. That is always what I will want.
So, I'm making my own rules. I don't want to follow anyone else's rules or diets. I have decided I'm going to eliminate refined sugars and flour from my diet 80-90% of the time.
I'm not going to follow a Paleo diet necessarily, or eliminate dairy. I still think that milk and greek yogurt are things that keep me satisfied and happy. And I still want flexibility so that if my boyfriend brings me a sandwich from his favorite sandwich place, or I happen to find the new Ben and Jerry's core flavors at Whole Foods, I can have some of that. I don't want anything to be "off limits" so that I will give myself permission to binge on that food if I've already "blown it" for the day, or week, or whatever. I don't want to continue buying "diet" foods that aren't satisfying, or just steaming vegetables because that way, they don't have added fat or calories. And I want to truly get in touch with my hunger signals, but I feel like I can't do that when I have so much sugar and so many simple carbs around, and the option to eat these things all the time.
So that is where I'm at. I've gone through a lot of ups and downs over the past couple weeks trying to figure this all out, but I think truly changing my lifestyle so that I am NOT restricting foods, and I AM eating wholesome, real foods, and making sure I'm feeling satisfied, will be a good thing for me in the long run. I think this will be a way for me to start to find peace with food. And I can't say for sure this is the solution for me, or that I'm not going to slip up and have ups and downs, but I definitely feel peace that this is what I need to do.
So basically, different things work for different people. There isn't one simple solution, and I've been working really hard to find mine.
But I'm excited! Although I'm not following a Paleo diet, I've been scouring Pinterest for some fun Paleo recipes, since these fit within what I want to eat, and I'm attempting Paleo bread today. I also have the Gwyneth Paltrow clean eating cookbook, and made a delicious recipe from there for dinner last night. Maybe this is just the honeymoon phase of me trying this, but I really feel that it's freeing.
I think I'm going to keep monitoring my weight, but I'm not going to judge it. I know that my body will work itself out to being its natural weight that it wants to be if I'm following my hunger signals. I know that it's going to be hard for me if I gain a few pounds, but I also know that because I'm generally healthy and active, it will be okay.
And as for exercise, I want to keep it something I enjoy doing because it
makes me feel good. I love running (not always, but a lot of the time) and love yoga, and I don't think these are just vehicles for losing weight and burning calories. I know when I work out, I don't want to worry about how many calories I've burned, and I want to try to trust my body to figure out how much more food I need once I work out. I'm on my way."
So that, friends, is my new attitude on food. Here are some of the things that I've made so far:
Dinner 3/8/14: Roasted Cauliflower and Chickpeas, Grilled Salmon with Grilled Lemon Vinaigrette (from Gwyneth Paltrow and Julia Turshen's It's All Good cookbook), + spinach salad with mustard vinaigrette and golden raisins
Dark Chocolate Bark with coconut, cherries, and sea salt (also based on It's All Good's recipe)
And finally, I made Paleo bread! It does not taste like bread bread, and I didn't think it would. But it's bread-ish! And I did it!
Here's the process, in photos:
This one is the Paleo Grain Free Cashew Sourdough from Urban Poser.
And finally, this morning for breakfast I had a nice two-egg frittata with mushrooms, spinach, and avocado (the "sour cream" is plain nonfat greek yogurt) and fruit salad.
Stay tuned for more pictures of what I'll be eating this week - and have a great week, everyone!
xoxo
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