Detox

I think I've been clear this whole time that I, in no way, have all the answers. Sure, I was able to lose weight and have kept it off for nearly a year (!) now. That is definitely a success in and of itself. However, that time has also, as I've mentioned, not been without its ups and downs. There have been breakdowns, tears, crazy out of control sugar binges... and moments of peace, days of clarity, and so, so many good things, good thoughts, good foods, and good people (see my next entry!).

So after a whole summer of ups and downs, goods and bads, I hit another road block, so to speak. I found myself completely out of control with sugar, snacking, and food issues in general the weekend before I went back to work to start the school year. In seeing my therapist and talking about everything, she told me something I didn't think that she'd say: why don't you try no more sugar.

Somehow, she said that, and I realized that it was exactly the conclusion I had wanted to draw for myself, I just wasn't able to come to it on my own.

The only time I've really been at peace - completely - with food, and felt really good about what I was eating, was the week or so that I completely cut out sugar, and the subsequent period of time before it came into my life again in a big way. It was easy for me to maintain my weight and sense when I was hungry and full.



This is because I am addicted to sugar.



This is something that might seem extremely personal, kind of embarrassing, and even shameful, but I doubt that I am the only one who deals with these issues, so I feel the need to put it out there and explain.

I am not eating sugar now because I am addicted to it.

I can not eat a little bit of candy. When I eat candy, all I want is more candy. My brain is so conditioned to keep wanting more and more, and what I have to go through to make myself stop eating it makes it not worth it.

When I'm in this "binge" mode, it's like I'm in a daze. I will often buy one or two sugary, sweet foods at the store, like a bag of jelly beans, m&ms, sour candies, or cookies. I'll also buy bags of chex mix, cheetos, or chips to balance it out. I will often spend 15 minutes in a snack aisle, contemplating what combination to buy, justifying the purchases in my head - maybe I'll just have half the jelly beans! Or, Chex Mix is much healthier than chips!

I mean, it's a cocktail of salty, sweet, processed junk.

I feel like a binge is just like a drug binge. I'll alternate the candy and the sweet food, and when I'm done, I crave more. I will attempt to make myself some sort of bingey food out of whatever is in my cabinets, even though I don't keep most of those dangerous things at my house. I'll manage to make macaroni and cheese out of whole wheat pasta, or will scavenge together ingredients for cookies. I'll go out and get more in the most frantic times.

I always seek more and more food when this happens because I'm addicted. My brain apparently gets that release of dopamine from the initial sugar that I consume, and then needs greater and greater amounts of these foods to continue getting that "rush."

Apparently, cocaine does the same thing.




So, there are the sordid details. This has been happening for awhile, although for periods of my life, I ate this junk all the time - ice cream, chips, cookies. I couldn't even address the weight, I just wanted the food. But since losing weight and trying to find peace with food, every time I break down and binge, it's that much more upsetting.

That is why I'm not eating sugar anymore.

It's not just sugar - it's the artificial sugar that was driving my cravings along for such a long time, and it's those processed snack foods that often will also trigger a binge. I'll have a little, then - fuck it, might as well!




And yes, I know sugar is in everything, and that white flour pretty much turns to sugar once you consume it. So my plan is to avoid sugar that is added to food as much as I can - but not to the point of deprivation.

Will I be upset if there's a trace amount of sugar in the tomato sauce or marinade I eat? Nah. I'm not going to binge on tomato sauce.

And I know fruit has (naturally occurring) sugar, but am I going to binge on mango or grapes? Nope nope nope.

Even white bread - bagels, pizza, delicious sourdough. Those aren't things that I eat often, but I don't want to deprive myself of those things if I want them. None of those things makes me feel out of control, and none of those things triggers me. I don't see why I should deprive myself if I can have those as occasional treats and enjoy them in moderation.




Candy I don't do in moderation. Or chex mix, cheetos, lemon bars, brownies, baked chips, or ice cream. At least for now. My plan is to avoid it for the time being, for probably 3-4 months, and then work with my therapist to re-assess. I've found myself at peace with the fact that I may never eat these things again. Maybe not never again, definitely for a good while.



So that is me - I am a sugar addict. Sugar makes me feel out of control. I don't need it. It makes me sick and unhappy. And for the longest time, it's been just this love/hate relationship... but I think I'm falling out of love.



(Post-Script: I have been reading The Hunger Fix by Pam Peeke, and it's very good so far. She talks a lot about overcoming food addiction. If you think this is a problem for you, or I guess if it's not, either, I do recommend it!)